Mommy Life

Am I really done having babies?

Is it time to close shop?

Will my uterus NEVER be occupied again? 

These were are only a fraction of the thoughts that have been stampeding through my mind.

I have two wonderful kiddos. Until recently, I was CERTAIN there was one more beautiful little soul destined to be a part of our family.

Actually. Let me stop lying, here’s the truth…

Before having children I wanted five. I would be a stay-at-home mom and homeschool them all. After having “A”, my first, I just knew it was a one-and-done situation! The pregnancy, postpartum period, and the actual kid threw me for a loop!

Approximately three years later, the thought of expanding our family crept in s-l-o-w-l-y. Once she arrived, I was unsure what was next for our family of four, but I always felt “there was time”. Around the time T turned four, I was going through baby clothes to donate and I felt myself wanting to hold on to somethings. You know – just in case.

I can’t remember the specifics, but I named our third child, GG (my husband) was on board and I told the kids! Parenting mistake number 4,484,4484. No doubt, this baby was a part of our family.

We tried half-heartedly. After two chemical pregnancies, an ultrasound revealed a lovely 1 cm uterine polyp that was most likely the cause of the chemical pregnancies. I was scheduled for a Hysteroscopy with Polypectomy.

The Plan: Have surgery – get pregnant.

But something shifted.

I started to realize that parenting was getting easier. I was sleeping through the night, sleeping in, they could make their own snacks, for the first time EVER both of them were in school full-time (which had been delayed by a year due to the pandemic), and they could play unsupervised (for the most part)!

I also realized that parenting wasn’t getting easier at all! Parenting was only morphing into a “different” version of hard. My children needed me just as much now as they did when they were younger, albeit in different ways. This was a pivotal realization; more on this later.

I apprehensively played with the idea that maybe, just maybe our family was complete? But the thought was terrifying!

Why I wasn’t screaming for joy? My pregnancies were hard and my baby bearing years could be over – freedom on the horizon.

I weighed my options, talked to friends, my husband, I even asked google, “How do I know if I’m done having babies?” But let me tell you, the only thing that shed light on my apprehensiveness was sitting quietly and asking myself.

11 Reasons I Was Afraid to Say, My Family Was Complete:

1. Being a Mom Is Who I Am, and I love It. It’s the best job I have ever had. As my children grow older there’s this nagging sense hovering over me that says… “You won’t be a mom anymore, they won’t need you, you will be useless in the world, your value will be diminished. Keep making babies, keep making babies, keep making babies!”
2. My Identity Was Wrapped in Being a Mom. Who am I if I am not a mom? For the last 10 years I have been pregnant or mom-ing full-time and I have LOVED. EVERY. SECOND of it, even the messy hard bits. Who am I without this title? Do I even want to find out?
3. If I Don’t Have a Baby, Then What the Heck Will I Do? What will I do with myself? How will I fill my time? Having children has extracted me from my home-bodied, introverted ways. The things I wouldn’t do or did not want to do for myself, I did for them… i.e. socializing.
4. I’m Getting Older; I Don’t Have Time To Be Unsure. Technically, I still have time to decide, but I don’t feel that way. I’m high in the 30’s, I don’t want to play, wait-and-see. I know celebrities have children later in life and it gives us “normies” (normal folk) a sense of reassurance. But we don’t know of their struggle and sacrifice: mentally, financially, physically or emotionally. Heck, I’m sure many of them have had their eggs frozen or have embryos stored.
5. I’m a Planner; I Need to Know Where I’m Headed. Making the decision, to not make a decision feels like purgatory. There’s no peace in that.
6. This Child Is Real To Us: We have a name, and spoke it often. Not bringing him into our family feels as if we are giving up; we created this little person in our hearts and minds. Goodness, the mind is powerful!
7. Would I Have Regrets? This is a big one. Would I be plagued with regret somewhere down the line? 
8. I Didn’t Embrace My Previous Pregnancy As My Last. I tend to live in the future and end up missing out on the here-and-now. As a result I feel that I haven’t had closure with my womb. If that makes sense.
9. My Babies Have Taken Me on the Greatest Adventure of my Life, as they get older. Will this adventure end? 
10. I Love Teeny Babies. Some women want a certain number of children, if they could have 3 during one pregnancy they would be DONE. But I miss having an infant; no matter how many children I have they will always get older leaving me baby-less.
11. I Believed That If I Don’t Have an Infant I’m Not a Mom. I equated not having a young baby to not being a mom. It makes absolutely no sense, but it is what it is.

Common denominator? FEAR, along with a healthy dose of FOMO. Fear bullied me into believing things that simply were not true.

What To Do if Fear is Clouding Your Judgement

I knew if I made a decision… any decision from a place of fear, it wouldn’t be a wise one. It wouldn’t be me making the decision at all. So, I asked myself.

What would you choose if you weren’t afraid?  

My answer: I would fully embrace the beautiful family and life that I have NOW and move forward boldly into the next chapter of life. Which has all the potential to be just as, if not more, magnificent.

My fear has dissolved; truth be told – it bubbles up from time to time. But now that I know how to navigate, it doesn’t hang around for long.

What is True

1. My value will never be diminished and should not be dependent on external factors.
2. I will always be a mother.
3. I am more than a title.

Things are Looking Brighter and Feeling Lighter!

I’ve realized what a huge opportunity could lay before me if I choose to be complete. Its all perspective. Maybe I’m not giving up my dream career; maybe I’m being promoted?

I am growing more confident in my choice. When I was thinking about having another baby I became intensely future focused. But now, when I look at my little family I am filled with gratitude for what I had a part in creating. I’m looking at a completed masterpiece. I can really see them.

I’m excited to utilize this next part of life to explore: my marriage, myself and the world around me. GG and I will get to simply hang-out more and just be us! I told him we could treat our marriage like a new baby; nurture it and watch it grow. He gave me the side eye.

Hate to say this, but it’s obvious. I could change my mind; for several more years at least. I don’t want to think about it. But it’s true… nothing is written in stone. I’m just thankful for the peace and confidence I have in this one moment.

How did you know your family was complete; or that it wasn’t?

Takeaway:

1. Try to make choices from a peaceful place not from a place of fear (lack or scarcity). Ask yourself: What would I choose/do if I weren’t afraid. 
2. Remember there isn’t necessarily a right or wrong choice. We have free will. There are only choices that are best for you in that one moment in time. Take the pressure off of yourself. Many paths lead to beauty. You aren’t necessarily giving up something great for something less.

As Abraham Hicks would say, “You can never get it wrong.” (That’s for my Law of Attraction tribe!)

Until Inspiration Strikes Next … Take Care.

RAIVON