As I sit here nursing my LO to sleep I’ve decided its time to get back to blogging, if for no reason other than to get my feelings out… therapy of sorts. So If it sounds like I’m rambling then I probably am 🙂
Since Ari was born (3 months ago) I’ve been to heaven… hell…and back. We’ve moved twice, fueled partly by my Post Partum Anxiety/Depression. Anxiety would always hit me around the same time everyday, in the evening. I’d start crying no matter how hard I’d try to keep it in. I knew what the night had in store, and it wasn’t sleep. A friend reminded me that sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture and I can totally see why!
I thought that moving would solve my problems… being in a familiar neighborhood. We decided we would move back to the city when I was pregnant. Before finding out I was pregnant back in April of 2012 we bought a home in the suburbs and I was sure we would be there forever! I was surprised when I felt isolated I missed the energy of the city and the ability to walk instead of drive every where. We attempted to sell our home, when that didn’t work we thought we would stay until after Ari was born.
Ari was around 7 weeks when we started looking for apartments and we found one that we thought was perfect only after seeing a few. The things I used to look for in an apartment just weren’t important anymore and we didn’t find this out until we signed the lease. All of a sudden my top concerns were squeaky floors, exposed nails, the possibility of lead paint, noisy neighbors, slamming doors etc. When sleep for myself and baby are a top concern I knew we had to go even though we had only moved in a week before. Yes we moved twice in less than 3 weeks but my anxiety was getting worse and I just didn’t feel at home.
Thank goodness for and understanding DH and landlord! We are now in a place that I think I can call “home”. It’s small, secure, on the top floor and just what we need. Not to mention within walking distance to many businesses and parks, Ari is learning to love his BOB stroller just as much as I do!
I think in some ways I was chasing my old life…The life I had before becoming a mom… The life where I slept lol and where I was able to come and go without a thought. I thought that moving would fix that. What’s funny is that before I became a mom all I wanted was to be a mom lol. I read that after becoming a mom I needed to morn my old life and welcome my new life. There will always be parts of my life that I look back on fondly but I welcome my new life as a mommy there is nothing like it!
I am now getting a hang of things learning my LO and enjoying life more and more every day. I had to realize that it’s not always my external circumstances that are affecting me I have a lot to deal with internally. More importantly I need to re-connect with God. This blessing he has given me to be a steward of (my baby) and the ability to stay home with him should not be taken lightly.
I’m happy to say that any Post Partum Anxiety and Depression I had has been alleviated with prayer and vitamin supplements recommended by my Midwife. I did get a script for Zoloft but after 2 days on that stuff I felt crazy …literally!
So now we are “home” in our little nest in the city, getting settled for the first time in a year…