I’ve spent endless hours debating to myself — in my head, whether we are done having children. Will Ari be my only child? This is a question that has become harder to avoid since Ari hit the two year mark. Many parents I know with two year olds are trying for there next… because we all know that two years is THE perfect spacing.
Unlike a previous post I made on this issue, there is no fear fueling my ramblings. At that time I was tempted to follow the “pack” afraid of being left behind as my friends began getting pregnant.
My ambivalence was based on external factors. Yeah, I should know better, being that this has gotten me in trouble countless times in my younger years.
But this time it is all ME.
Me, myself and I trying to figure out what we three want. Why is this so hard?
I go back and forth like a pro ping pong match.
Yes I’m done.
Maybe we will adopt.
I never want to be pregnant again.
Well maybe next time will be different.
I’d really like to sleep again.
Well it’s only for a short time.
I’d really like to sleep in the same bed with DH again.
Ari needs a sibling.
What about when we die?
I’ll regret it when I’m older.
What if Postpartum Depression is worse next time?
I’d have to stop medication before I could try again.
I’ve always thought I wanted a big family.
How will we afford private education for two or more?
We are so happy with Ari why rock the boat?
And that’s only a snippet of my internal dialogue.
Child bearing is a HUGE decision. It’s a decision that has an expiration date and for me that’s only a little over 5 years away. Although I don’t mind the idea of being an older mom, having a baby in my 40’s but still…
My One and Only.
It ^^ sounds so sweet doesn’t it? This statement leaves me feeling empowered and it feels like it is coming from a loving place.
One and Done!
That statement ^^ leaves me feeling frantic and fearful. Like I’m trying to convince myself.
So which is it for me? Empowering or Convincing?
I totally believe in saying Yes to life but also saying No!
The catch is that I must not let “fear” lead. I will no longer never say Yes out of fear and the same goes for saying No.
Because I believe that fear blocks blessings. Fear bullies me into decisions. The what-ifs cloud the moment.
What scares me most?
Enjoying life with my one angel or enjoying life with more?
Regretting life with one little angle or regretting life with more?
I know I won’t regret my children and of course I’d enjoy my children. With that being said, I suppose in the end either choice would be fine.
When I remove my foggy “fear glasses” I only need to ask myself.
What do I really want… Now? Knowing that either situation will be “fine”. Do I want to live a fine life or an exceptional and extraordinary life? The latter I’m sure.
You may ask, why do I need to make a decision at all? Because I’m a planner. Because I like to know where I’m headed. Because it help me feel like I’m in charge?
Goodness! How did you know what was right for you?