Ari (my mighty kicker) and I wake up every morning at 6am weekend or not, it’s just what we are used to. We are already on a schedule… I wonder if it will be the same once he is born???
DH is downstairs cooking breakfast, I am on my own personal feeding schedule to avoid nausea/vomiting as much as possible.
This morning I sat up in the dark feeling like a failure as a mom already. I never expected to be so ill during my ENTIRE pregnancy. I looked forward to entering the 2nd trimester because that was the “magic” trimester that my morning sickness would disappear…. but here I am nearly 32 weeks and still suffering.
I thought that I’d love pregnancy and looked forward to it. I often day dreamed about all the “wonderfull-ness” I’d experience. But now I feel debilitated… like my body has turned against me and is falling apart. Between pelvic joint pain, sciatica, continuing nausea and gagging and this horrible taste in my mouth 24/7 no matter how raw I brush my tongue, I feel like I’m LOSING IT. And YES I know it’s all for a good cause I’m carrying our son, but right now in this moment I feel how I feel.
I’m so thankful for my husband. Although we butt heads every once (or 10 times) in a while (because I’m overly sensitive or just feel like being mean … depending on the day) he’s been amazing. Everyday he gets up at 6am to make me breakfast before the puke show begins. He helps me get up, down and rolls me over and deals with my horrible exhaust. :/
When I look at myself now I don’t even know what I’ve become. I wasn’t ready for the weight gain and limitations. I always thought I’d be out taking long walks full of energy and feeling great! I’ve gone from an independent control freak to a women that is depressed and really has no control.
Not to mention that every pregnant women I know seems to have had a relatively easy pregnancy. It makes me feel there must be something wrong with me…I feel bad for complaining to them I just feel inferior and broken 🙁
I have learned so much over the last 8 months and boy have I been humbled.
I know my circumstances could be much worse and I should be thankful for my blessings, and I am but keeping the happy face on for everyone and burying my true feelings inside is becoming unbearable.
All I truly know is that I am so thankful that God can take things meant for bad and turn them for good. I’m so Thankful for my husband and can not wait to meet our son and to meet the mom that I will soon become.
I feel better already…
Thanks for listening
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