As I have the pleasure of witnessing my friends plan and try for their second pregnancies, I can’t help but have feelings of inadequacy wash over me. With each exciting “I’m pregnant!!!”, I’m fearful that I will be left behind and miss the bonding that they will experience as they welcome there new bundles.
I, myself am happy–I feel full, blessed, happy and content with our little family of three. <3
The thought of pregnancy (for myself) turns my stomach. It maybe because I had morning sickness my entire pregnancy and took medication for nausea until the day Ari was born . . .or the fact that our home-birth plan went up in flames . . . or having to have an External Version or conquering my fear of hospitals and having a c-section . . . or suffering from Post-Partum Depression and Anxiety.
Regardless . . .
I know that at this time another child is not what I need or want. Neither Greg or myself are ready to welcome another little one, and it maybe a few more years before we even consider the idea.
So what is this deep rooted “need” to keep up with the Jones’s? I’ve fallen for it many times in my past and I’ve learned to never go after someone’s else’s dreams — and make them my own. Letting go of my “dream” life–the life I thought I wanted before having Ari (4 plus children) was difficult at first, because I felt that I was failing.
Mourning those old ideas or dreams opens doors for a new life that I couldn’t have dreamed of for myself.
I am an individual, here, in this very time and place for a reason. There is a purpose for each of us to fill. We all have our own paths, dreams and goals that are written on our hearts by God. I am constantly reminding myself to listen to the guidance of the quiet voice inside, that wants nothing more than to guide me (you can call it intuition, your gut or the spirit of God) . . . and drown out the blaring voice of the world around me.
I like to think of myself as a leaf blowing in the wind; perfectly content and satisfied with where it {The Wind} takes me. Only my “wind” is God.
. . . and His plans are good enough for me.
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