I’ve spent endless hours debating to myself — in my head, whether we are done having children. Will Ari be my only child? This is a question that has become harder to avoid since Ari hit the two year mark. Many parents I know with two year olds are trying for there next… because we all know that two years is THE perfect spacing.
Unlike a previous post I made on this issue, there is no fear fueling my ramblings. At that time I was tempted to follow the “pack” afraid of being left behind as my friends began getting pregnant.
My ambivalence was based on external factors. Yeah, I should know better, being that this has gotten me in trouble countless times in my younger years.
But this time it is all ME.
Me, myself and I trying to figure out what we three want. Why is this so hard?
I go back and forth like a pro ping pong match.
Yes I’m done.
Maybe we will adopt.
I never want to be pregnant again.
Well maybe next time will be different.
I’d really like to sleep again.
Well it’s only for a short time.
I’d really like to sleep in the same bed with DH again.
Ari needs a sibling.
What about when we die?
I’ll regret it when I’m older.
What if Postpartum Depression is worse next time?
I’d have to stop medication before I could try again.
I’ve always thought I wanted a big family.
How will we afford private education for two or more?
We are so happy with Ari why rock the boat?
And that’s only a snippet of my internal dialogue.
Child bearing is a HUGE decision. It’s a decision that has an expiration date and for me that’s only a little over 5 years away. Although I don’t mind the idea of being an older mom, having a baby in my 40’s but still…
My One and Only.
It ^^ sounds so sweet doesn’t it? This statement leaves me feeling empowered and it feels like it is coming from a loving place.
One and Done!
That statement ^^ leaves me feeling frantic and fearful. Like I’m trying to convince myself.
So which is it for me? Empowering or Convincing?
I totally believe in saying Yes to life but also saying No!
The catch is that I must not let “fear” lead. I will no longer never say Yes out of fear and the same goes for saying No.
Why?
Because I believe that fear blocks blessings. Fear bullies me into decisions. The what-ifs cloud the moment.
Final thoughts…
What scares me most?
Enjoying life with my one angel or enjoying life with more?
Regretting life with one little angle or regretting life with more?
I know I won’t regret my children and of course I’d enjoy my children. With that being said, I suppose in the end either choice would be fine.
When I remove my foggy “fear glasses” I only need to ask myself.
What do I really want… Now? Knowing that either situation will be “fine”. Do I want to live a fine life or an exceptional and extraordinary life? The latter I’m sure.
You may ask, why do I need to make a decision at all? Because I’m a planner. Because I like to know where I’m headed. Because it help me feel like I’m in charge?
lol!
Goodness! How did you know what was right for you?
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